The Hardest Decision I Had To Make As A New Mom

My heart is aching as I write this post. I didn’t want to lose the bond with my baby. I didn’t want to take away the food that was the most recommended. I didn’t want to stop doing what my body was meant to do. I didn’t want to stop breastfeeding so early, but I came to realize that if I stopped breastfeeding, I would be a happier wife and mom.

When my son was 2 months, I started on birth control and noticed a dip in my supply within a week. I had been exclusively breastfeeding my son up to that point. I hadn’t even pumped since the first week that he was born. When I pumped randomly one night and got a lot less than I was expecting, I became slightly worried. I knew that if I power pumped for a few days and drank a lot of water, my supply would go right back up. I had read about that everywhere and I was so sure that it would work!

I had no idea what was ahead of me when that happened. After researching all the ways to boost milk supply and trying ALL of them, I still wasn’t having any success. I was getting frustrated and discouraged, but I was determined to figure it out.

After weeks of struggling, I called a lactation consultant and explained my situation. She told me to take a lot of supplements (which ended up being 18 pills a day). It was expensive and frustrating, but I had to do what I had to do, right? After 2 weeks of taking those pills, I still hadn’t noticed any change.

I called the lactation consultant again and she told me that I needed to have my OB prescribe me a lactation pill called Reglan. I came to find out that Reglan doesn’t work the way that it is marketed to, and that it has some serious side effects, so I didn’t end up taking it.

I decided to just keep trying my own methods of boosting milk supply (power pumping, drinking lots of water, drinking body armor, eating oatmeal every morning for breakfast, drinking mothers milk tea, eating more calories, pumping every 60-90 minutes- the list could go on forever). I was wearing myself out trying to increase my supply, and I was hardly noticing a difference.

My mom and other family members suggested that I think about stopping, but I was SO determined. I almost got offended when they suggested that. Did they not think that I was strong enough to go through with this? Did they not want my son to be eating the best food he can get? I was becoming obsessed in an unhealthy way.

After traveling for Thanksgiving and then again the weekend after that, a huge realization hit me. I was missing out on SO much when I had to go pump in another room. I missed seeing friends and family. I missed conversations. When I was at home, I missed spending time with my baby. I missed meals. I missed spending time with my husband. I missed so much because I was always hooked up to my pump. I was becoming obsessed with increasing my supply and nothing was working. I would constantly watch the clock so I could go pump.

I was always looking up ways to increase my supply and trying them. I was spending so much money on products that people claimed “work miracles.” I was avoiding going out or having people come over because then it would be inconvenient for me to pump. I would check how many ounces I was at every time I pumped and I would keep a log to see if it improved, even if it was 1/4 of an ounce. I would let my baby cry in his bouncer for my last 2 minutes of pumping, because I had to finish so that I could increase my supply. I. Was. Obsessed.

The day that I decided to stop was EXTREMELY hard. It was probably the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. It was also probably the most painful decision I’ve ever made. My heart ached and I cried a lot, but I knew that it was what I needed to do.

I woke up that morning and breastfed my little boy (that was the only time of day that he would eat from me without fussing), not knowing that it would be my last time feeding him. Later that day, after one of my frequent pumping sessions, I had this gut wrenching feeling that I needed to just stop. I gave it a lot of thought and knew that I needed to give up on my endless journey. I knew that if I waited to stop until the next day, that I would cry so hard while breastfeeding my son the next morning (knowing that it would be my last). Instead, I cried really hard right then and there on that Monday afternoon.

When I explained my feelings and decision to my husband, I cried really hard again. I could barely get the words out of my mouth. Saying it all out loud made it a lot harder than just thinking about it in my head. My heart ached and I didn’t want that bond to go away. I didn’t want to stop, but I had to.

The next morning, I picked my baby up out of the crib, hugged him tightly and bawled again. Later that week, I started putting my nursing items away (pillows, nursing pads, nursing bras, etc.) and guess what? I cried some more. For several days, I was so emotional and my heart truly ached. I knew I wouldn’t regret my decision later, but I sure hated that I made that decision for several days.

I breastfeed my baby exclusively for 2 months. I complained about breastfeeding then, but oh how I miss those days. Up until my baby turned 5 months, I was pumping endlessly and breastfeeding him on the rare occasions that he would latch. I was only getting about 2-3 ounces a day by time I stopped. I have now switched to exclusively formula feeding and I have come to accept it and be okay with it. It was so hard on me at first, but I have realized that I will be a better, happier momma for my boy.

We are so blessed to live in a time with formula. I can’t imagine how women in the pioneer days dealt with issues like low supply, problems latching, and all the many, many problems that tend present themselves during breastfeeding. I am grateful that I can still feed my baby, even if it is through a bottle that is made with powdered milk. My breastmilk was made with love, but water and formula scoops are made with just as much love and a lot less physical and mental pain.

If you are having issues with your supply, take a step back and make sure that you aren’t obsessed with it like I was. Make sure your baby is still coming first and that you are still happy! I wish I would’ve made my realizations sooner. I missed out on so much precious time with my growing baby. You will still be a great momma to that baby and your baby will still need you and want you! If you need to stop breastfeeding to be a better mom, then do it! There are too many opinions out there that don’t matter. Mothers need to do what is best for their babies/families and that is that!

I tried everything out there! If you’re looking for ways to increase your supply, check out my post 13 Secrets to Increase Your Milk Supply to read some of the tricks that that work for a lot of women!